The empty screen

You sit in front of the computer, staring at the screen...willing your mind to generate a few words so you can get rid of the inertia and let the words flow. The design of the page is wonderful, the room somehow looks messier, so you want to clean it up and make the space less distracting. Then you remember chores that could have done 2 days back, but haven't yet managed to do. Once you are done with that you sit once more and face your nemesis - the blank screen. But then the phone rings and you start jabbering into it and lose focus. The blank screen with the designs on the sides is left alone for the day. But tomorrow always is alive. There's another day, another chance.

So when the sun rises the next day and you finally decide to get off the bed and greet the day, you finally begin writing. The words flow, but they seem to be all wrong. They are so jumbled and inarticulate that you are ashamed to say you can write. Argh!!!!!!!!

Ctrl A + delete. Start afresh. 

Blocked.

Beat your head against the wall.

Go eat some chocolates.

Read a novel.

Drown yourself in it.

Order food at home.

Look at the blank screen,

contempt written all over your face,

look away from it like its some horrible crime scene and in a way it is - for you.

Then look at it once more, as though fascinated by it.

Mesmerized...

Stare at the screen like a zombie.

Your eyes droop with sleep.

Your head nods with exhaustion. 

But then you suddenly wake up. 

Dazed, you still look at the screen blank as your mind.

your eyes slowly close and finally you fight sleep no longer. 

As you wake up and see the keys, your tired mind forms the words slowly, hesitantly and soon you simply ignore the rest of the world. You are consumed by the screen, the words that are in your mind and your surroundings outside your mind mean little to you. 

Suddenly you feel something reaching out to you. you rest your tired fingers that have worked without a pause and touch the screen lovingly. This very screen that had tormented you so much... now its full of words and deeds that you wanted to show and see...and as your hands feel the screen, you feel that beneath the hard exterior there's someone out there, reaching out to you. Curious, you press the screen a little harder, with a little more pressure..there....there.... aaaah! right there....! Soon you too seem enveloped in the whiteness that had once flummoxed you. But you look a little deeper and hmm... what is that? A little colour, perhaps? Yes.. So you step inside and you see with your own eyes the world that you had created. That little world of yours that was once in your mind is right in front of your eyes. You know each one of them and they all look at you some what expectantly. A small smile creases your lips and the crinkles your eyes. 

Somewhere vaguely ... dimly...... somewhere faaaar faaaar away you hear a once familiar voice calling out... Nainaaa.....Nainaaaa...Naina where are you? 

'O My God!!!' Then silence....and when you look back, there's only darkness. But right there in front of you is a world of colour and excitement. you look ahead.

But outside, an empty chair swivels near the table....

Ghost of the past

The past is a very useful thing. It is who we were. But then things in the past make us change.
We change from who we were to who we are. the past us becomes a ghost. ghosts are an unpleasant existence. a pestilence of sorts. Unless they follow us in to the present, we end up letting them go. They are our ghosts - somethings that exist but definitely cannot be seen. Those should remain that way.
When they come and pry and poke you into your present then these should be ignored or simply cut off... because if one is not welcome, then one should not try to get in. It  is in bad taste and makes the other a cad.
In all things, there is a certain dignity that should be present. Once dignity is absent, then the relationship becomes disgusting. If both parties concerned understand this, it is more civilized. Else it speaks of some kind of mental perversion or a kind of derangement.
I hope my ghosts are all buried and all the skeletons in my closet are well and truly locked. I am older and wiser and certainly don't want anything other than a placid life peppered with a few exciting breath taking moments... after all, life is all about looking ahead towards the future and not looking over your shoulder to see if danger lurks around.
Ciao my past!
Hello future!
But the present is a gift!
:-)

Johnny Goes down!

Johnny goes down by Karan Bajaj is a very unlikely book by an Indian Author. Its a cool mix of Rambo and the author says Indiana Jones and that of a cute hindi movie and a Wild west movie. The protagonist – Nikhil Arya is an orphan in MIT who is all brains. Technical as well as computer. And all heart too.

He survives various extreme conditions without the CIA’s training and is as common as you and me. Yet, as uncommon as a lustrous pink diamond in a gutter in Mumbai. Common because he has a mostly civilian background and uncommon because he manages to not only survive but also succeed in all his extreme environments creating a successful track record for others as well as himself in the most unlikely ways. He is a passionate man who wants to denounce his passion very passionately at every stage but ends up being just as passionate about everything he does. And he does everything exceptionally well. Be it love making, money making or even computer game making. And of course he is tops at the game of survival. He touches lives and makes everybody love him. He is exceptional like that. Maybe movies and super hero comic books are full of heros like him. The lone riding gunslinger types. But this is the first I have read with an Indian protagonist. And I love it. Johnny goes down is a book of many shades and colours. It is one of the few Indian books that does not deal with bereavement and loss in quite the same way as others do. Its quite cheerful. Its actually up in the leagues of Jeffery archer types. I only hope and pray that he does not get type cast so that one book is like the rest. I cross my fingers for you Karan Bajaj... please churn out something exceptional and you have a faithful reader in me!

Love you!

A perfect day for writing - my mind is humming and buzzing with activity. My only problem is I dont know what to write on... So I simply write. The words flow by from my fingers. My miond tries to make sense of the cacophony of words that seem to flow through my system and into the new one - hehe play of words - the computer screen.
For the past 2 days i have been trying to do some decent work. But I have simply ignored the urge to write. But now that my arse has been plugged and the food I eat stays in, I have decided to give in to another of my natural urges - writing.
I listen to songs as I write. My feelings range from happy to sad to regret. Listening to Above & Beyond on the earphones, I soimply love the lyrics of the band group or whatever. They surprise me with their lyrics. Some how they make trance sound decent enough for me. I cant stand the repetetive sound of trance at times - like a stuck record that cant move beyond a point. Good Lord! move on will ya! Just one tune on loop like there exists no other tune...! The world of sounds are varied and beautiful. Explore my dear! But I guess this band has some how managed to make trance interesting. Guess its the lyrics.
Listening to sun and moon, i am reminded of my first love. I never thought I would forget him. I knew it would never work out. But I never thought I would ever stop loving him. I guess everyone thinks like that of their first love when they first fall in love. :-)
But then you grow up. Then you realise that there is more to love and life. Sun and Moon are just fine. But there are millions of stars out there too ;-)
Your thoughts do Linger but you dont live like a Zombie. You gotta let go. Because Love is not enough....even if you are truly madly deepy in love and even though I felt I knew you before I loved you, somehow, you managed to let me go. If only I could turn back time, I would stay forever in love with you. But if only I could...But then nothing is forever. And if it is, then it would never let you go. And neither would you let it go.
I am not sure if I am making any sense...but I am simply writing because
the words just flow,
the world around me is suddenly slow.
My fingers seem to whirl around on the keyboard.
my mind makes less sense than my fingers do.
But my heart sings along happily.
Content that words that are in my mind
are seeing the light of day.
sense or nonsense,
it doesnt matter.
'Cause sometimes, sense simply doesnt have a place
in your existence.
You need to listen to your heartstrings,
and simply bow down
to the inevitable
and let things move on.
For sometimes, things move on as you want them to,
but never the way you want them to.

:-)

Singing.... A passtime, a hobby, a profession... Some sing well some sing in the bathroom, some better not sing. My cousins - now they are great singers. they sing well.. but I really dont know what it is about plugging stuff to your ears that ruins your sense of tune rhyme and rhythm. One becomes horribly out of tune! Woe befalls all who do not plug their ears!
My cousin has a lovely voice. She can sing very well. But with a darned iPod plugged to her ears, I would rather be anywhere but near her! I guess the advent of the iPod started off with the walkman. The sony walkman which helped you listen to your songs without antagonising other people and their tastes. It has evolved to a lot of other indivisual music listening and storing systems. Awesome. But sometimes when people choose to sing along and do not realise they are doing so loudly...! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Interesting....

On the way to Bandra reclaimation, when you are going on the highway, there is this wonderful stretch of road which is wide and smooth and faces the backwaters of the Arabian sea. If you look below, you can see another road going into the suburb and then there is another road that takes a steep sort of curve which is reall beautiful. And beyond the railing at the end of the road, the dark waters swirl by in the moonlight or whatever.
There is a very unique way that this shoulder is used by my fellow city-zens.
Its a lover's meeting point.
The entire stretch of this railing has bikes parked at a uniform interval of a metre or so. I am sure if you measure the distance, it will be uniform. There are even cars parked along this railing. These also adhere to the distance between vehicles. These vehicles - all of them - have a couple either talking to each other, or coochi coo-ing. Not many coochie coo though - with due respect to these guys. Its the most decent lovers meet that I have seen. I guess there is another strange thing about this lovers rail - none of the couples seem to be really evesdropping on the others. I have never really seen any bored couples.They are always talking facing each other or looking at the sea or something, but never at the other vehicles parked around them. Likes its some unspoken protocol or something.
But this may also be that I am not able to see them at their ardous best because I always notice this stretch when I am whizzing past the highway. So I only notice that there are couples and that the entire stretch of this amazing sea line along the beautiful highway is lined with bikes and cars with lovers meeting up and catching up after a long day.
Its amazing how lovers in Mumbai end up finding the most wierdest yet most practical spaces to spend time together.
With no disturbance. Nobody really spying on them. Even if someone is going to be spying on them, they would know
because this highway is real broad and vehicles practically whizz past them.
Besides, the view is spectacular. Beyond the railing, you can see the dark waters of the sea swirling by and if the
moon is full, the reflection is beautiful. The breeze is wonderful and exhilarating. Its a rejuvenating place. If you are bored of your partner, all you need to do is look at the backwaters of the Arabian Sea or the traffic that whizzes past. :-)
Interesting city I live in ;-)

Books....

I Love books. A little fussy about it because I love fiction. The masala and the mindblowingly impossible things like....O well! like the CIA planning an assassination of some one to prevent another assassination, the adventures of a guy who manages to lose his memory yet retain his skills and O my! what skills they are! shooting jumping, sky diving etc etc....
For a bibliophile like me, I miss books. I miss the variety and spice that books bring in my life.
In a city like Mumbai that's teeming with life, movies rule. But books, alas! these are so scarce!
I miss buying books from the street. I miss buying and selling books. If a book is trash I can read it once, and resell it, too!
An amazing concept. Its a moving library. Buy, sell, resell....buy another one...Hmmm, sounds like my heaven. I can keep the books for as long as I want. I can also sell them if I am tired of them or if i deem them completely unreadable.
Mumbai, for a city that proclaims to cater to everybody's likes and dislikes, unfortunately, puts the bibliophile aside :(
There is one street in Fort which has the book bazaar on the street but it is so faar away from the suburbs! Also, it is a little on the expensive side. Reading, as a habit, is quite an expensive hobby in this city.
I wish I could get some books with more varied authors...different titles, a place near by that will allow me to exchange books, read them, savour them and talk to other people who love books. I miss talking to people who know where to get books, the libraries the places to go read in peace....
In a city where space is premium, this kind of luxury is not only unheard of, but unthought of!
I actually miss London where the bibliophile is pampered with choices. The number of different authors, the variety of literature, its something I miss about that city. It has a classic collection of books that keep getting churned out every year and surprise a reader and help you get out of your comfort zone in reading genres. On the other hand, it also helps you to read more in the genres that you are comfortable in. Works both ways!
For, the number of bookshops are more. So the variety of books are also more.
So does that mean that Mumbai has less nuber of readers? And is it that most of them reside only in the town side? Aah well, my bad that lesser mortals like me reside in the far away suburbs :'(

Run for it!

When everything looks dark
Then simply light a candle.
When you see theres no way
Just turn right back around
When everything you say is misunderstood,
Just stay silent
When the noise becomes too much,
Tune out.
When the noise in your head becomes too much,
Simply zone out of yourself.
Look outside of your head,
find your feet,
and simply....
make a run for the nearest ice cream store!

Anathema

And then the fumes of anger pass by me, like some gas of rotten gas. It wafts by and stifles me. Clogging my arteries, veins and circulation. It clogs up my entire system and creates such a stink!
There is no clean air to breathe.
I suffocate.
I die.
And its all anger.
Its all that rotten egg air that fouls up everything inside of me,
misdirecting myself from me.
Creating another entity that is so not me.
Its that stink inside of me,
that walks beside mostly,
but sometimes i am besides myself and it is inside of me,
wafting around and making me what i am not.

Patience

Now, This is a virtue that I have always taken for granted. I always had quite a lot of it. I know I have quite a bit of it because unfortunately or fortunately, it has been tested quite a number of times. I simply wonder at how much more I can take.
Now a days, my patience just wears thin. Or maybe I am seeing more clearly. I dont know which one is true. I wonder when I am going to lose it all and simply upchuck everything and go away. I wish I could!
But I guess lady Luck has walked away from me long back. She simply forgot my existence maybe....?

Sometimes I hum out of tune.
Sometimes, I tunefully sing a song o' sixpence.
I chirp like a beautiful nightingale
and my words are punctuated
with laughter and gurgles...
sometimes, they are dipped in sorrow
and convey that I am down in the pits of hell,
My hummings, my dear friends,
you have all heard
you have all appreciated.
Even the few words I get in response,
I feel pleased.
I coo in pleasure.
You guys have all kept my words pouring.
I appreciate!
 

A loneliness steals into me. I make all the noise I can to cover the silence inside of me. That core is as secret as Tutankhamen's tomb used to be, before John Carter decided to rip it.
Mine - it is still a secret...
Like the tin man, I feel not that my heart is alive.
It's songs are unheard. Its wonders unfelt.

There seems to be no chink in the armour around it, that i can widen and get into.
But suddenly, I feel someone sitting in there, calling out to me.
Who is it?
Who found the way in there without my knowledge or permission?
Who dares?
But....
I still can't find the chink in the armour around my heart?
How did that person find a way inside my heart when I knew not the way myself?
Maybe one day, I shall find the answer to that...
Till then, I shall guard this secret and maybe find the voice of my heart,
the one that has fallen silent for so long....

truth

The truth of the matter is....? Now really, what is truth. How can you beleive truth is just what one person says and not what the pther person says? Its jsut that truth is truth, is it?
What one person perceives as the truth may not be what another person perceives it to be. When one person sees a movie, the things he notices about it is different than what another person who sees it notices. What you may see when you see a brawl is not what i saw. Yes, both of us saw them tearing at each other's hair and calling the other person names. But who started it?
Who knows? Do we care?
Nopes. Not my business. :-)
Aye, That's what they say.
What is truth, then?
Is it what we see?
What happened?
What we perceive?
What we hear?

The woman of the Aquarian Age

Today' girls... They seem to be far ahead of their male counterparts. Surging ahead. There are women in every field. The suffragettes must be having the time of their lives - saying I told you so! to the males of this world. Women are better than men. Women can do what men can... except probably go topless and that too has been done and is done everyday in the Bondi beaches of this world ;) and of course stand and pee...and some other basic stuff that i shall desist from mentioning...
But  wonder if its the economic independence, or the fact that women these days are more educated or have just times moved forward? Women these days are so much more independent. So much more open, aggressive and assertive. They smoke, drink, play chess and I don't know.. do most things better than men. Or as good as men.
Wives have always helped their men. But now men are more open about it. Men have started accepting their feminine side. They seem to accept that they need their women and that they are what they are because of their women.
Today's women are comfortable with their relationships. The times when another woman is a rival and will steal their man from under their noses if she is more beautiful signifies insecurity. We watch women just as eagerly as men do... 'Cause unfortunately, there are less handsome, eye catching men than women! Besides, we do appreciate beauty in all forms. Even if it's another woman. Besides, there has been a research done on the beauty. It is said that beautiful girls give birth to girls who become more beautiful than their mothers. But unfortunately the same cannot be said about the boys who are born to beautiful women. They, unfortunately, don't get more handsome than their fathers... (sigh!). So this does not make us bisexuals or lesbians - just connoisseurs of visual beauty. :-)
A woman looks at another woman's dressing style, carriage, accessories, quirks....ahem.... a lot many things, really! Who better to teach a woman than another woman! A man looks at her more or less in the same way, but for different reasons. :-D

Another strange trend is that now, when you want to look for brides, you ask if the girl smokes? Does she drink? Questions of this sort were never even thought of. They were generally reserved for only men.
The core values that a woman wants is still the same. Women still want love, life, children, family etc. But they also want a career, financial, social and emotional independence. She also is not ready to compromise. She wants it and she wants it all. Or not at all as the case maybe. Guess that is why the rates of divorces in the country have risen :(
Today's woman needs to watch that she does not get carried away by all that independence. She is physically weaker than the man. God has made us like that and for a reason. But mentally and emotionally, we are far superior to men. We must take this knowledge and use it to our best. Or I surely pity the men! And definitely the women.
Woman should not become Woe to man. For, every woman needs a man just as she needs herself.

My question is....

Idhu daan vazhkaiya,
Oru thunai daan thevaiya?
Manam yedho yennaye kerkirade....?!
[Is this life,
Is a partner in life required?
My heart keeps questioning me....?!]

A tamil song from Ayirathil Oruvan - 'malai neram'. One of my favourite melodies.  And this does make me question if marriage is a must in life?
There are many jokes as to how the guy has to put up with his wife's taunting, nagging and expenditures. Many about how husbands can be insensitive louts, lazy creatures and TV hogging irresponsibly critters.
Is this all required?
Is a companion necessary in life?
Can't we enjoy life with friends, work and family, just like we do normally when we are unmarried? Why does a person need a marriage to be happy? When married, we have to have kids. The cycle goes on...
Can't a person who wants to be single, be single? Just because he/she wants to be single? If a person does not see any point in marriage/companionship, is that person unsettled? Does having a partner make you settled?
Why?
I feel happy being me. Being with myself and my friends and my family. I share what I want with my friends. My family supports me. I work so I support myself. Why should I have a partner if I dont feel the need to have one? Why should I force my presence on someone else whom I don't want and make the other person miserable, too?
I guess one thing that unsettles single people is other people thinking that they need a partner. Its that other people can't swallow the idea that they are happy being single.
You can be there for yourself. You are troubling no one else. You, as a unit, are complete.
Yet there is a school of thought that believes that you need someone. That for everyone, there is someone made, that we are one half of someone else, and once we find that someone else, we become complete.
Thus there are 2 completely different schools of thought...each believing they are right.
The partner club calls the singles club selfish and the singles club calls the partner club clingy.
Who is right, who isn't?

thin and thick

Skins come in 3 types - thick, thin and mixed. Now, you might be wondering if I am off my rocker.
:)
No. I ain't. Read on...
The thin skin categories are those people who are sensitive. Who seem to define that word. Most things they are touchy about. You say anything about them, they get offended. They pout. Then despite yourself you tease them, make fun of them and then say a sorry or pamper them. Or get into subtle leg pulling.
The next variety is the thick skinned variety. These are complete caricatures. They don't care. They sometimes dont get it even. But then with them, you dont need to bother so much either. They are the easiest.
The third one is the trickiest of the lot. Most of us are a variation of this. These guys, well! Beware! You see, they get touchy, but sometimes you just cant figure out their touchy topics. Or else they warn you beforehand - Don't talk about this, Or else! Some dont bother with the warning, they just sulk! Losers!
They are also thick skinned about most things. So much so that you might put them in that category. But these creatures - ah! well! They explode at times. Then they sulk. Then they get off their sulking spree...
Like some kind of a dormant volcano. But when peace arrives - ah! The garden of Eden will be put to shame by these peaceable creatures.
So.. Whats your skin type???
;-)